First shave of the winter! It feels extra special now that it is even more pointless than usual. Really brings a fresh new life to it. I am officially back in Melbourne after Roadshow and ready to embrace my real life and get back onto a normal food schedule…still thinking about food all of the time of course but not eating at 10 am, 5 pm and 1 am like a psycho.
Anyway, we are going to speed through this copy of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! The newsletter explores my theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave.
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The Shave
A perfect winter’s shave. Haphazard. With a complete lack of care if there are two racing stripes that I’ve missed down the back of my legs because no one but me will ever know. I’m sliding into sheets that have been lovingly warmed by a hot water bottle and living my best life.
Rating: 20/20 nothing like embracing the things that don’t matter at all
The Content
As we all know, I must be part of every cultural conversation and thus I went and saw Everything, Everywhere, All At Once at Cinema Nova. A movie with a title that seems damn near impossible to nail in conversation.
The most impressive thing about this movie is how everyone is talking about it but there are next to no spoilers going around at the same time. It’s almost impossible to spoil! How would you even manage to convey exactly what the fuck is going on even if you tried your hardest?
Except I did manage to spoil it for someone. By telling them how much I love and then uttering the cursed phrase “bring tissues, I cried so much”. Nothing will dry up the tear ducts faster than expecting an emotional crescendo at every possible turn. I once had a friend tell me they cried so much through ‘Call Me By Your Name’ which rendered that entire movie emotionally neutered for me. To the point where you have to incredulously ask “when did you actually cry?!!” and come off sounding completely and utterly heartless.
Rating: 7/20 points added because I ended up streaming The Age of Adeline off my phone.
The Food
Anna Wintour, the famous editor of Vogue and arbiter of taste has been lambasted online for revealing her usual lunch order is a hunk of steak and a Caprese salad…hold the tomato. For some reason leaving out the tomato is an indication that she is some sort of alien hell maiden sent down to curse the earth with such horrid and unnecessary convictions. But I stand by the order - Mozzarella, Basil, Oil and Steak. What’s not to like. A little high protein lunch.
Besides that, I was a picky eater as a kid who now loves food but still hates tomatoes. Which is fine. Not as bad as not eating your crusts. I used to think that ‘if you don’t eat your crusts, than your hair won’t get curly’ was a pretty toothless insult. Who cares if you have curly hair? Cut those damn crusts off. What I didn’t realise though was that was a life long deal… and now I am out here stuck with dead straight pubes for the rest of my life. Constantly wondering “why do they call it a bush, what I am rocking is more of a natural grassland”.
Rating: 25/20 Bonus points to me for getting from Anna Wintour to Pubes in the food section.
The Social Stuff
I was talking to my friend’s girlfriend (soon to be my friend) the other day about how we were both SCAMMED by the promise of linen bedding. The way I am targeted for linen bedding online is incessant. It is on my Instagram. It is in my emails. It’s leaning over me at night while I sleep and whispering “if you get these linen sheets you will finally live the whimsical french girl influencer life of your dreams”. If you get these sheets you will finally appreciate the small things. You will walk to the markets with your little basket to buy a baguette and some fresh produce to whip up a gorgeous and seasonally appropriate.
But when you finally succumb and drop some serious dollars on your linen sheets AND pillowcases. In mustard no less, which seems like a good idea until you take them off the bed for the first time and the mattress retains a yellow, nearly piss like sheen. Then you have to wash them a million times until they get to the ‘soft’ that was initially promised and once they are there they rip almost immediately afterwards and you have to start the whole goddamn process all over again. Also, the pillowcases don’t fit on my pillows and they slide off every. single. night. So not only do I have sheets that aren’t delivering but also have given me an extra job to do.
Rating: 0/20 the next scammer show will be about the rise and fall of Bed Threads.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
Take me to this house on the seaside.
A gorgeous article all about Joni Mitchell’s Blue.
Is it too much to frame my love of pasta and put it on the wall?
Why mercury retrograde went viral (not just for destroying our lives).
The curse of youtube brain aka it’s a deal with the devil to make millions off of silly little videos.
Lot of shower chat and comparison this week.
Loved this deep dive on Deux Moi
Love a disaster adaption like this one of the Time Traveller’s Wife.
Rating: 10/20 links are links are links.
Final Rating (62/100)
62! Pretty rough out there but what are we to do? Just have to keep going and collecting those precious data points. This experiment is of course in the vain of this travel pillow that is ‘scientifically proven’ to be preferred by 9/10 users. Love passing off some light marketing research (perhaps even just skimming the comments?) as science.
Anyway, thank you for joining me for this issue of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! which has been written all across the northern regions of Victoria in motels and green rooms untold. It has been such a treat doing these roadshow shows with the Comedy Festival but now I am excited to be back in my home turf and getting stuck into some dogshit new. What. a. TREAT.
If you liked the newsletter please share it with a friend or your followers or whoever you think might like it and I will be eternally gratefull. Otherwise I will catch you in two weeks with the next one!