Hello hello! Welcome back to a new newsletter and this time we are using our spicy opinions to keep us warm. I don’t know if I generally have that many spicy opinions really. On more than two occasions since last week’s newsletter, I’ve been complimented on how great it is that I can write about nothing and contain no substance. Which I am choosing to take as a compliment despite how mean it seems once written down.
Anyway, you are now reading the latest edition of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! The newsletter explores my theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave.
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The Shave
Truly satisfying stuff shaving when the hair is long enough to be visibly whisked away and washed down the drain. I have to be opportune at the moment and shave when the water pressure and temperature is bang on. Sometimes its so bad that the only possible conclusion is that everyone in the building is showering at exactly the same time and I was just a little too late to join the full party. Which oddly gives me the long forgotten emotion of FOMO every time.
Rating: 20/20 sometimes it just hits.
The Content
Australia never feels more like a country insisting on living in the past than when I am trying to keep up to date with Love Island using Chanel 9 on demand. Why do they insist on maintaining a two to three-day delay on sending us the action that forces me to watch on a certain streaming platform that insists on playing the SAME ad every 5 - 8 minutes for the entire length of the show. I can’t simply wait and watch at my own leisure because have you not seen the pace at which Ekin-Su is moving?!
I love the idea of coming onto a reality TV show and doing everything in your power to be cast as the villain of the piece. It’s just a much better and safer move than simply hoping that you capture the hearts of a nation, knowing that a nation that loves you can turn on you just as quickly. And I remember nothing as fondly as I remember the contestant on America’s Next Top Model who told the other contestants she was making them a fat-free weightloss cake but it was just regular cake and when it came off Tyra Banks congratulated her on being smart and told the other girls off for being stupid enough to fall for it. Being recognised as an evil genius is the kind of validation that would carry me through for at least a few weeks.
Even Ekin-Su was getting a bit of pro-villian editing in the episode I watched - her voice was pitched up so many octaves it sounded more like an evil cartoon rat than a girl looking for the love of her life and not a seasonal friendship.
Rating: 15/20 nothing more freeing than entering your villain era
The Food
I made a rice pudding and turned it into a cake thanks to the guidance of a certain, Nigella Lawson. Turns out the sweet, nothing, blandness of rice pudding is not helped by cooking it for longer and using every bowl in your kitchen. The only saving grace was the jam sauce, which was the genius combination of jam and a squeeze of lemon warmed up in the microwave for 30 seconds. Really I could have saved myself the trouble and just popped a white toast slice in the toaster and popped some jam and butter on that.
Bonus points though because I have fresh nutmeg that I grate on a microplane that always does make me feel gourmet as fuck.
Rating: 10/20 there is nothing like a food that’s just a vehicle for sauce
The Social Stuff
This might be my most controversial take, and I apologise for it in advance, but I think that too much attention has been paid to changing the office experience in a post-Covid world and not enough has been given to making music gigs actually bearable to attend.
I might be the only person who does not understand the appeal of live music. Not only is it boring and uncomfortable, but also the music sounds worse than it did on the CD?! I simply don’t get it. You can never see and the only thing that makes a gig worth going to is if you can convince yourself that the hottest band member is slowly falling in love with you from up on stage. AND the only real appeal of that fantasy is that they might choose you to be pulled out from the barriers and taken to their dressing room, where you can wait in comfort until they are done. I once bought my kindle to Laneway Festival and was so bored I purposefully lost my friends and went to read under a tree for a bit. Just to have something
I’m not without suggestions though. I think music shines when it is the backing to an activity so I think we need to change the GA into the treadmill/stationary bike floor and the seated section should get full-on recliners with a phone charger for all the time you spend waiting.
Rating: 10/20
The Miscellaneous Stuff
I got VERY invested in these stuck ceramic bowls.
Is roast chicken at a picnic a move? Do Americans not have the bachelor’s handbag?
You had me at ‘ice cream spoon’
Also how I look since I haven’t been able to get a haircut all year
Rating: 10/20 not bad, but not great.
Final Rating (65/100)
Okay! We didn’t quite get there but we did okay. I feel just constantly tired at the moment, so tired that I even resorted to reading physical books. This is interspersed with bursts of energy which are very difficult to distinguish from pure guilt. It would be great to have a few more gigs on if anyone has anything going before I jet off to Edinburgh!
Speak of, if you happen to be in Edinburgh this August, I would love it if you popped into the show I am doing as part of the free fringe with Peter Jones and Sonia Di Iorio which you can find out more about here. Its free, so all you need to do is pop it into your calendar and come down. Also its at 12:50, which will test my commitment to the idea that comedy should happen in the broadest daylight to give me plenty of time to come-down before an appropriate bedtime.
If you enjoyed this newsletter of nothingness, please share it with a friend. I would appreciate it a lot and am keen to keep growing. I think we are coming up to the two year mark of doing this every fortnight together! Thanks for reading my Prudes xx