Welcome to 2022! A year I am trying very hard to put no pressure on, except for the fact that it must deliver everything I have ever dreamed of or I will sink into an endless depression. I was reflecting the other day that I wish on every eyelash and 11:11 that I come across and yet not once in the last two years have I wished for the pandemic to end - only that I can make a go of this comedy thing. What a self-involved little shit.
Anyway, you already know I am self-involved because you are reading I shaved my legs for…THIS?! the newsletter that explores the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and hopefully worth you reading about.
If this isn’t coming straight to your inbox, you can subscribe right now! Using this button right here (make sure you mark it as safe or important or whatever too):
The Shave
Thought I was a genius and booked an Air Bnb over Christmas so we could still have our own space while visiting family. What I failed to take into account that this Air BnB would not have internet…or linens provided and only the bare minimum in the way of toilet paper. Luckily as I had to pack everything I own in order to stay there for two days, I remembered my trust dollar shave club razor (please sponsor me!) and was able to shave my legs for the Christmas day festivities without a hitch…and let that last until New Years.
Rating: 20/20 The shave gets a perfect rating, the Air BnB…also did because I am a coward and they did say all of this upfront, but in my heart, the rating was but one star.
The Content
Instead of talking about the joy/mess that is Emily in Paris season 2 and how it created a perfect loop ending in the exact same place as season 1 and thus establishing a universe that can go on forever without any real change… Instead, I have decided to use this moment to make some predictions for this year…
The big wellness trend will be a stylized sleep apnea mask (maybe hybridized with a sheet mask?) with a corresponding app to measure your sleep.
The Government will provide a 10 session subsidy for those seeking support from their psychics in lieu of having to talk to a therapist about their actual issues.
THESE will be the next ugly/cool orthopedic shoe that we will make unattainable for the previous grannies who loved them. They must be in beige. Will also accept these ‘Hey Dude Fartys’ that Bob Mortimor gave a shout out some point recently.
Sticking a vodka-soaked tampon inside you (dealers choice of where it goes) will be rebranded as ‘micro-dosing’ alcohol.
Samantha will appear on And Just Like That… for max of 5 minutes and I hope she gets an absolute PAYDAY for doing it.
The media will continue to be perplexed by ‘Millenial presidents’ like it isn’t if anything, underachieving for men in their 40s to be made president.
I will once again carry the same book around for 9 months without reading it, only to read it all in 2 days in between Christmas and New Year and find it to be a better escape from the world than my endless doom scrolling.
Rating: 20/20 you would think after reading these insightful predictions I wouldn’t need to spend $40 on my horoscope for the year ahead. But I did.
The Food
I refuse to fly over the Christmas rush, so if I go to Queensland to see my family for the holidays, I either have to go for 30 days and 30 nights (so I am only flying off-peak), or simply after Christmas. It’s too busy, people are already reverting back to the horrible people they are around their families and one time Jetstar delayed my flight by 7 hours when I was at my most heartbroken and I couldn’t get through a whole pint without needing to pee and taking all of my bags with me because I was freshly ALONE.
This relates to food because I seem to insist on dating people that do a BBQ and salads Christmas lunch when I was born to be a full turkey dinner. And sure, it is delicious and seasonally appropriate… But I am a woman of TRADITION and I think if I can stomach a full roast dinner at 4pm on a 30 degrees and muggy Queensland Christmas that I have earnt it for the rest of my days. Plus turkey, cranberry and brie on a bagel is the food of the gods (even when my mum gets camembert every year because she hates cheese and can’t tell the difference).
I also seem to insist on dating people that ‘get carsick’ but only when I am driving, which is a matter for another time. I will say I am an excellent driver and the fact that every side of my car is dented is simply me putting my own patina of age on the vehicle.
Rating: 10/20 A little less sixteen meats and salads, a little more “turkey please”
The Social Stuff
Socially I have been retreating again, partly due to surging Covid which I do not want, and partly because it’s the end of the year and I refuse to have anything on the calendar if it would require me to get dressed and travel.
My social life has been largely lived on my animal crossing island, ChumChum, and though it may have taken me two years of pandemic living to bend to this game, it has now grasped me with both hands and refuses to let go. I have even been looking up codes online and visiting other peoples islands to get fun new materials. This, unfortunately, includes a chat-based element, and I had totally forgotten how terrifying it is to interact on these corners of the internet. I assume everyone on the island is a child or a pedophile, or neither but pretending to be a child after initiating a flirtation to catch pedophiles like my high school boyfriend and I used to do on Runescape. This means my approach is largely running around quietly before being kicked off and watching whatever happens in the chat without getting involved. Heaven.
Rating: 15/20 may your island escape remain fruitful and regenerative.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
The cutest hero of the apples.
Why have boring marshmallows when you can have fish marshmallows.
Gotta read your 2022 horoscope.
An opinion piece on letting your relationship with exercise change. That I haven’t read yet because I need my free articles to reset.
Watching The Proposal in honour of its star…Betty White. Not a link but a solid recommendation.
Rating: 10/20 it’s getting harder and harder to find anything that isn’t Covid related.
Final Rating (75/100)
Right on the line! A perfect start of the year and a perfect illustration of my mental state heading into year 3 of pandemic living. I did a huge list of goals for this year and so hopefully it is a productive and exciting year for me personally, but please know I also put a lot of writing projects in there to try and hedge my bets when live performance feels like even more of an adrenaline sport than normal. Anyway, I am trying to not be too much of a pessimist and make lemonade etc etc. If anyone does have a good recipe for lemonade I would love an Arnold Palmer right about now.
Thank you as always for reading and I hope you continue with me for another year. I love my prudes and if you wanted to #sendprudes for the new year and share this newsletter I would love you forever.
I hope your 2022 is as good as it can possibly be, and I will see you in a fortnight!