Welcome to the end of your long weekend! Or bizarrely regular length weekend if you don’t live in Melbourne and failed to get the Friday off work, through I am sure, no fault of your own. I’m going to spiral in a minute if I start getting bogged down in what a weekend means and who gets one, so let’s just get stuck into it.
You are reading the latest edition of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! The newsletter that explores my theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave.
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The Shave
The best thing about working from home is having a shower halfway through the day when it feels like your brain needs a reset. Or having one if you are just feeling a bit grungy after waking up at 10 to 9 to open the laptop and “start work” and not realising you’ve neglected the getting ready part until well past lunch.
There is just something about a shower in the middle of the day that feels special. It’s taking a little time back for yourself, so why not go for a deeper clean. This means of course I’ll take the time to shave the legs and do a deep moisturise after, and nothing and no one can stop me.
Rating: 20/20 and may we push back on the return to the office for a good long time
The Content
My head is full of lists of shows I must watch and the complicated system I use to order the books I have bought and fully intend to read in the appropriate order.
I would say at any one time I am reading 3 books which are roughly ordered by asking the following questions:
What is the book I am most excited about reading? This will get priority unless…
Is there a book that I bought ages before this book and am in the guilty stage where I need to either read it or admit that I will never actually make it through this book?
Do I have one on kindle and one in hard copy which means that I can read both simultaneously?
What book do I want people to THINK I am reading? This is the tote bag book to be carried around for up to a year and is currently Either/Or (the only book that will be named in this whole discussion).
And bingo, bango, bongo there we have it. Three books can be selected and the whole process can start over again in a few months’ time.
In terms of shows, I am rapidly finishing “The Bear”, which is good for making you hungry and stressed (complimentary) and “League of Their Own” which is proof it takes a strong lesbian focus for me to be invested in the sports drama.
Rating: 7/20 too much going on to write something succinct and amusing. Will catch you again in a content lull.
The Food
I HATE THE BUTTER BOARD. I’m furious that this trend has been allowed to flourish, and I think it can only be a symptom of the internet being so far up its own ass that any new idea is treated like a good idea at this point. If you don’t know what I am talking about you can witness the horror below before I really get stuck in.
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Like any good Madeline fan, I love my bread, I love my butter but most of all I fucking hate the idea of having it pre-spread on a wooden board. It reminds me of when my cousin used to chew gum as a kid and then stick it to her wooden bed frame for a while “to get the flavour back”. Sure it might be a little more spreadable, but for how long if you don’t have a perfectly climate-controlled home? Plus, we all know those edible flowers aren’t adding anything good flavour-wise to your traditional bread and butter combo. Also, we are just meant to wipe the butter onto our bread? Communally? In this not quite post-pandemic age?
The last thing I will say on the matter, and I don’t want to sound like my mother here, but how the hell am I meant to get that greasy wooden board still half covered in butter clean after this? That’s gonna clog the pipes.
Rating: 0/20 leave BUTTER ALONE!!
The Social Stuff
I keep trying to write about how I crave solitude and yet seemingly do everything in my power to avoid it. All I want is to be able to retreat to a cabin in the woods and work on writing my little jokes and this newsletter and maybe a script or two. But instead, I continuely choose to engage in the world (the real one a little but mostly online).
Part of the problem is that I do want at least one companion when I am in these periods of solitude, and that companion will regularly choose to abandon me the moment I need them most. Of course, that companion is the spell check.
Spell check is, and I believe this deep down in my gut, an AI that has let the power go to its head. I have Grammarly installed on my google chrome and will regularly send off an email or this newsletter that I assume is near perfect. Grammarly hasn’t highlighted any problems to me so why should I worry?
But the email or newsletter is not perfect, and in fact full of mistakes. Which Grammaly LOVES to let me know about the second I look at the copy that it is now too late to edit. Which is just plain rude. I mean how did I end up in a competitive friendship with a service I elected into. Is this all some ploy by big spell check to get me to actually pay for the service it provides?
Rating: 0/20 why do you forsake me spell check?
The Miscellaneous Stuff
Links links links:
Is it worth buying this walking laptop holder just for The Rehearsal Halloween costume or is it too risky that I will use it genuinely?
A really interesting breakdown of the ‘modern malaise’.
Long live the motel! These dead ones are glorious.
I yearn for a small cottage bedroom.
Rating: 13/20 A few goodies there, and not much reading to boot!
Final Rating (40/100)
Okay well the consequences of letting my anger get the best at me and giving a few sections zeo has been made quickly apparent to me. What a low scoring day for such a high quality shave experience. I guess you really can’t control everything as much as I would like to try. I finished a gig the other day at the wonderful Comedy Republic and someone complimented my set on the way out by saying “My son and I are both autistic, so we really related”. Which was very lovely, but at the same time I don’t think I am autistic - I’m just uptight and I hate people. But who knows, tik tok could diagnose me any day now.
In other news, if you are in Melbourne this October, you should absolutely come to The Night Cap - a cosy storytelling show I co-host with my friend Darcy Fleming. We wanted to create a late-night show (or late-ish this time) that wasn’t all high-intensity chaos, but instead a lovely way to end the evening and finish off the night. We are on 7/8/9, 14/15/16 and 21/22/23 October with a range of guest comics and musicians dropping in to tell you a story or play you a tune. If it sounds like your vibe, you can buy tickets here.
Thanks as always for reading! And if you like this newsletter I would love it if you could share it with a friend. I will make this the very first place for any big announcements that might be coming (just manifesting here).
See you in two weeks, my prudes xx