Good morning!
We are back again with yet another newsletter painstakingly written during a torturously hot Saturday. That being said, we are still turning up and trying our best and isn’t that all anyone can expect? Please don’t hate me and unsubscribe - it’ll still be good I promise.
As always (and for the foreseeable future) you can buy tickets to my show Unfriended if you are in Perth (7 - 19 Feb) or Melbourne (29 Mar - 23 April). Use the code FRIENDLY for $5 off tickets to Wednesday, Thursday or Sunday (until they run out). Hopefully you’ll leave wondering how someone so likable (me) can’t keep a friend for longer than a few years.
But for now, you are reading the latest edition of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! The newsletter explores my theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave.
And if you are new, please subscribe below and get a lil newsletter treat in your inbox every second week.
The Shave
Shaving your legs in an outdoor shower, now that's an experience. It's like bringing a touch of luxury to the great outdoors. Forget about the boring old shower in your bathroom, an outdoor shower is where it's at - and my parents, they now have an outdoor shower.
The actual shaving experience wasn’t that different, but looking up and seeing the steam rising through Bamboo did add a little something to the experience.
Was I standing on gross deteriorating globules of soap? Sure, but I could also hear the callous cry of the sunshine coast birdlife, and hear the rustle of cane toads jumping around in the leaf litter. All before making sure my feet got covered in dirt on the way back inside.
Perhaps the real magic is in the act of cleaning yourself while in the exact place that made you dirty (the great outdoors/my parents backyard). Or maybe I just have a naturalist inside of me desperate to come out and play.
Rating: 16/20 if I get too confident in the nude I’ll risk heading straight to clown school.
The Content
I’m in a content slump and the only thing I’ve been watching is niche youtube documentaries about ultra-distance running. It’s so relaxing to sit back on the couch and watch the scenery go by under the effort of someone else’s runners hitting the hard ground.
There is something about the heavy breathing, the hard work, and the determination. That makes writing my little jokes and stand-up shows seem less torturous than usual. I’ve never run, but I have read “What I talk about when I talk about Running” and I am now of the firm belief that my feet don’t even need to touch the ground to benefit from the meditative impacts Murakami talks about. Anyone’s feet will do.
I don’t think people are any greater or necessarily applause worthy for seeking adventure in their lives. If anything I find their ability to demand so much from the people around them to support meeting their singular dream (this Barkly Marathon documentary is a classic example).
But I do thank them for letting me participate vicariously. Maybe some people are born to adventure, but people like me are born to consume adventure from the soft comfort of their own homes and stable lives.
Rating: 17/20 Writing and running go hand in hand, but I’m not taking a pen out for a jog.
The Food
When I was visiting my parents they very cutely made an effort to bring some of the magic of Christmas to the middle of January. The quickest way to re-create those festive vibes was of course - a tin of Cadbury Roses.
It was all so promising until we opened the tin only to be met with the worst thing a company can do to a person… Change.
Not only were the chocolates no longer wrapped in their colourful foils twisted neatly at each end, but instead they were no more special than your regular box of favourites. We looked this up and this change apparently has nothing to do with cost-cutting and instead to prevent “chocolates spontaneous unwrapping in the tin”. An experience that no one has ever had or cared about.
I thought some of the news articles around this were going a bit over the top, with claims that roses had “ruined Christmas”. Until I found out that they Not only that they had dared, to remove the Strawberry Cream. The most superior of all chocolates. The one you have to quickly eat first so that the rest of your family doesn’t gobble them up. They replaced it with some piss poor raspberry and white chocolate option that I personally feel has a real ‘last picked’ energy.
Rating: 0/20 thanks a lot Cadbury for ruining pretend January Christmas.
The Social Stuff
There is nothing like a solo trip to the movies. I like to pretend to myself that my preference for a solo trip is that it makes it easier to organise and you can go exactly when you want. But that isn’t exactly true.
Anyone that goes to the movies alone knows you have to carefully consider your timing to not only be going alone but also try and ensure as few other attendees as possible. There is nothing worse than going to the movies alone and finding out you’re the 21st wheel in a cinema full of dates.
When I went to see Marcel the Shell (cute, heartwarming albeit with some movie logic I struggled to get behind) the other day I thought I had nailed the movie session selection. I was there on my own at 2:45 pm the Friday of a long weekend and I was ready to soak up the solitude. Unfortunately, 3 other people had the same idea.
Of course, 4 people in a 30-seat cinema is still safely in the comfort zone, or it was until one of my fellow cinema-goers decided their snack of choice would be a nice crunchy apple! An apple they chose to crunch the hardest at the emotional crux of the movie. I choose this time because the only sound I will abide by is the rustling paper of a retired couple behind me unwrapping a werther’s original or other boiled sweet.
Rating: 10/20 movie cinemas should have quiet carriages or something.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
Love a good scandal - even a relatively minor influencer one.
Wouldn’t mind visiting this off grid beach “shack”.
Is it too late to get a 2023 calendar?
LGBTIAQ+ and Cooking Competitions. Are all the Top Chef Chefs Tops?
The right to not have fun at work.
Can’t afford my Melbourne apartment but still dreaming of this Brooklyn Brownstone.
Is it too corporate of me to like minimalist photography.
Rating: 19/20 a very nice selection.
Final Rating (62/100)
Damn! It would have been worth it too if it wasn’t for that meddling Cadbury’s messing up the good things in life.
I won’t drag this out because I feel like I’ve been writing for ages and I’m ready for a nap in my caved up house as I hide from the harsh light of the sun. If you enjoyed this newsletter please share it with your friends. It really helps me to have more people reading my thoughts and choosing to disagree or agree with them without me having to be there and see a potentially negative reaction.
Cheeky reminder if you made it this far - Unfriended is on sale for Perth and Melbourne! Bring your friends you want to break up with or the new friends you left them for. You can also buy the best of the newsletter here!