Welcome, to my newsletter, a fortnightly commitment I love doing and do not resent at all!!
What’s the newsletter you ask? Well it’s I shaved my legs for…THIS?! the newsletter exploring the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and hopefully worth you reading about.
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The Shave
I shaved and cut myself in the exact same spot on my ankle as last time I cut myself. Probably my fault for having such lovely, delicate and boney ankles. I have also been watching too many crime shows and immediately became obsessed with how the traces of blood remaining on the bathmat could be the rise or fall of a case investigating my disappearance.
Rating: 10/20 I have to stop watching shows that scare me and start showing off those lovely delicate ankles.
The Content
Okay - stay with me, but somehow I have found myself only consuming things where there is some sort of personification of the devil/death. This was going well with the books I was reading because the teens recommended them on tik tok - ‘The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue’ and 'The House in the Cerulean Sea’ . Those tik tok recommendations are so good for choosing things to read that are engaging without demanding much from you. Highly recommend them both, particularly if you are one of those weirdos that has never moved on and left Harry Potter behind them.
But things went a little off track when I could start choosing what to do for myself and went with the 1998 film ‘Meet Joe Black’. Highly recommend if you want to waste 3 HOURS of your evening watching what would have been a very good film in a tight hour and a half.
Basically, Death/the grim reaper comes to earth to see what being a human is like, follows around an old business man who is on the brink of death, taking the body of some hot dude (a young Bradly Pitt) that just chat up his daughter that morning. Then he walks around with the social skills of a small child while the daughter falls in love with him for being so well-spoken (projection much?!) and then bone in the worlds largest day bed next to their indoor heated pool in New York because death knew instinctively that taking a mortal form is pretty lame unless you are one of the mega-rich. The daughter also has HUGE daddy issues because she only seems to date people that hang around with her rich dad. Call my crazy but my number on relationship requirement has never been ‘great mates with my dad’.
I also think if I met death, I simply wouldn’t fuck him, even if it is endearing how much he enjoyed peanut butter. Anyway, that’s pretty much all the happens. The dad is presumably taken by death at the end, but they don’t really address it. I hope that if I can gift you anything, it’s not wasting three hours on this movie.
Rating: 20/20 love killing time and watching things that make me angry. Anyone recommend Lucifer?
The Food
I’ve been trying to drink less alcohol, but I simply feel that dinner isn’t dinner without something a lil…fizzy. A side of water, or god forbid milk, with dinner is just so bleak. Nothing about that says “work hard, play hard”, which is of course my life motto that I can’t wait to earnestly share on Wilosophy one day.
This is why I have justified spending an UNGODLY amount of money on Dr. Strangeloves Lo Cal, Big Fun, Cold Drink sodas (I might be adding a little bit of hype to them here). So anyone, to save you some of the work, here is my definitive ranking of all of the Dr. Strangelove flavours.
YUZU - when a lemon, a grapefruit and a mandarin make love, it just tastes right. Best served with a family box of chips, dripping in chicken salt.
LIME and JALAPENO - Little bit of a kick, little bit of fun. Best served with a meat-lovers pizza. Can be mixed with some mountain dew for even more of a kick ;)
LEMON - A classic, tried and true. Not quite as good as a regular can of solo but double the price so you can feel cultured for drinking it. Best paired with a mint chocolate aero bar.
MANDARIN - I don’t know if the label should have given this away. But this tasted too much like mandarin. Funny that. Best paired with a full Peking duck. Dominate that flavour and it’s almost palatable.
SMOKED COLA - Now, I’m a big cola fan and I love a fancy version (shout out Karma Cola - you can really taste the kola nut in that one). Best paired with a full cream coke so you can do a true taste comparison.
PEAR (w cinnamon) - How do I say this? I don’t like pears. And this drink was no exception. Best poured straight down the toilet and stirred by the flush.
(last place) HOLY GRAPEFRUIT - Honestly, haven’t tried this one, but who is mucking around with regular grapefruit when pink grapefruit and ruby red exist? Best poured down the drain to drink a yuzu soda instead.
Rating: 18/20 I could use this insightful and cutting list to apply for a job at buzzfeed circa 2015.
The Social Stuff
Social. social. social. Everything was going well until I had to go into the store of a certain telephone carrier to get a new e-sim and I’ve been filled with rage ever since.
I pride myself on doing things efficiently, and I will not rest until I can get my lil QR code for an eSim without leaving my house and the most important sims of all - the Sims 4 game where I have recreated all of my enemies. Nothing more cathartic than re-enacting the fall out and confirming it was never you that was the problem.
Rating: 2/20 Anybody know where I can find a good kickboxing class?
The Miscellaneous Stuff
After binge-watching Feel Good, I will read anything Mae Martin writes, especially on toxic relationships.
Listening to Bri Lee’s new book on Audible and appreciating this interview that talks a little about the work behind it.
Is taking your friends on errand ‘dates’ with you the only alternative to getting drunk?
I’m with Cat Cohen, love island was the perfect pandemic watch (until you get too disturbed by the horrific mental health impacts on participants).
Hate the tone of this article, but interesting insights into the rising costs of uber and air bnbs - these were never made cheap, just subsidized.
Which sex toy are YOU?! Take the quiz!
Goddammit, I love a spread sheet that loves love.
Rating: 16/20 Look, I love a link and the links love me.
Final Rating (66(6)/100)
Close, but no Cigar! We love setting the bar high and never quite making it over it over here. Reminds me of when I was too scared to do High Jump and my mum offered me words of true wisdom ‘just pretend your a horse’. Unfortunately, I was never a horse girl and it didn’t quite work out and I’m sure that advice couldn’t have saved me this fortnight either.
Thanks for reading another I shaved my legs for…THIS?! Sure it seems like shaving your legs is rarely if ever worth it, but still, we will persist! If you like my newsletter - tell me about it! I love the validation. Though I guess it would be more useful if you could share that information with a friend that might like to sign up.
I’m absolutely smashing this out so I can get back to seducing NPCs in Stardew Valley.