Is it twee to shave?
I shaved my legs for...THIS?! Newsletter #37
Welcome, welcome! To the latest edition of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! I have to admit I have procrastinated until the very last minute as my inner life has seemingly remained on vacation long after my outer self has been forced to return to the daily activities and responsibilities of a new year.
Despite this, you still have a copy of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! in your hot little hands. This is the newsletter that explores the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and hopefully worth you reading about.
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Went all in on this shave in honour of the hot vax summer that never was. We are talking right up to the bikini line. Which was a mistake, not only because it has been too hot or too wet or too pando-y to spend that much time outside but also because there is nothing that goes together worse than muggy weather and shaving rash.
Rating: 5/20 one day I will laser my whole body and then finally I will be free
I spent $50, that may or may not have been USD on my astrological guide to the year and I am yet to read past March or put the key planetary movements in my calendar because I’ve been binge watching New Girl to try and keep my mind occupied while I wait for my real love, the latest And just like that… episode.
Even though I started re-watching New Girl in honour of the return of ‘twee' fashion, I have immediately come to realise that New Girl is a show about the character Schmidt, much like Sex and the City has always been a show about Samantha. You grit your teeth through the annoying personality quirks of Carrie or Jess, so that you can get to the goods - the obsessive self-assuredness of our heroes. The scene-stealers. The ones that always react in exactly the way you would expect them to and you wouldn’t have it any other way. Schmidt will always be bougie and fastidious and Samantha Jones will always be a sex-obsessed goddess (who is still the star of And just like that without even having to appear in it) and I want nothing more from either of them.
This has been a comforting realisation during this current reality where I am currently walking around without a single thought in my head with the occasional exception of ‘I am scared to go outside’ and ‘wouldn’t it be nice to write a joke’. If I dig deep on these and make them my whole personality then my only hope is that I too can become the surprise best character on my personal tv show, life.
Speaking of which, I do think I should be able to watch my neighbours on the TV or at least get subtitles sent to me when I hear them fighting. Really hard to know whose side I am on when I can only make out tone and not any actual words. Either way I can guaruntee I am on the side of you '“you need to break the fuck up because your vibe is harshing up my home”.
Rating: 10/20 who needs nuance when you can be a one-dimensional caricature and thus successful.
I have developed too deep a belief in the power of Hydralyte (black current flavour). Whenever I am feeling a bit under the weather I think ‘oh I will just drink some hydralyte and then the power of perfect hydration and a strong army of electrolytes will be in my body to wash away the sickness.
This was working a lot better when I was able to go to gigs every night and would drink too much and wipe out the electrolyte army with my own actions. Now I am (hopefully briefly) living a healthier existence, I believe I may be letting the electrolytes get too strong and soon I will be overrun by electrolytes inner health plus style and/or suffering from electrolyte poisoning.
It’s actually good living in these unprecedented times because the only way I can sleep is crossing my arms over my chest coffin style, saying out loud “goodbye world” and taking the risk. Though it would be nice if this attitude translated into living each day to its fullest.
Rating: 10/20 the living embodiment of ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’
The Social Stuff
I went to visit my parents in Queensland (how exotic!) over the holidays and confessed to my mum early on in the five-day trip that I was feeling a bit tired and floppy because my period was due as soon as I got back.
My mum could not believe I would be so cruel as to book my visit so that it would coincide with a visit of old aunt Flo… And sure, I’ve been known to suffer from brutal PMS in my teen years. But now I have a perfect 28-day cycle - 7 days of getting ready for my period, 7 days on my period, 7 days recovering and 7 free days to do with what I please.
And looking at that cycle, I think we are just going to have to admit that it isn’t PMS that makes me a nightmare to be around, but just my regular tricksy personality.
Rating: 10/20 PMS I have blamed you long enough, be free PMS, and enjoy your future.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
The best review I have ever seen. Please click on this.
What happens when the beanie baby bubble burst
I enjoyed this - emojis to scale.
This house is GORGE. I wish I was posh enough to be understated in my decoration.
All the different levels of hype. (Can’t focus long enough to read this, but might, someday).
Rating: 10/20 a little list of links that you might get a moment of interest from.
Final Rating (45/100)
Oooooo boy! This might be one of our least worth it days yet. I am sorry if this newsletter wasn’t up to its usual standard of humorous insight and unmatched wit. I hate to dishonour the prudes with a sub-par newsletter but I like to think of it as us all still just test driving the year. Besides mercury is in retrograde until Feb 3.
I’m sure I will be back on form next time and if you did enjoy it, I still recommend you pass it along to a new prude with the caveat that “if you like this one, you’ll definitely be into the rest”. I hope you are all taking things in stride and making this year your bitch any way you can. Love you all!