Occam's razor burn
I shaved my legs for...THIS?! Newsletter #38
Helloooooo! January is ending and with it and hopefully also this excruciating heatwave, just in time for me to go to Queensland and deliver an earnest speech at my brother’s wedding. Have been asking him “are you sure you don’t want a roast” on the reg as I think it will better highlight my comedy skills.
But today is not his wedding day, today is the day for I shaved my legs for…THIS?! This is the newsletter that explores the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and days of any score are all hopefully worth you reading about.
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The Shave
I spent a lot of time googling ‘does having leg hair help keep you cooler’ before finally succumbing and whipping the razor out. Apparently, even at our most unshaven, humans don’t have enough body hair to employ any biological heating/cooling effects even though our skin is the main decider of our overall temperature. Go figure. Upsetting to learn yet another biological advantage against a future apocalypse has been lost.
Rating: 10/20 an okay shave, missed a spot behind the knees.
The Content
There are two types of ‘cool’ people in this world - those that are naturally cool in their authenticity and willingness to just like what they like…and those that devotedly follow trends at the cost of developing any real personality. And I would love to be either of these types.
My problem has always been wanting to be cool, knowing what cool is, but being slightly too lazy and off-kilter to ever quite get there myself. There are so many things I think maybe I could like - board games, women circus, posting regularly about your life on social media in an earnest way - if only I didn’t immediately cringe at how uncool they are. For years I used to complain with my friends that if only we embraced nerd culture, we would have so many more offers for boyfriends (this being my eventual strategy in landing one) and could settle for being the coolest ones in a niche but inherently uncool sub-group.
This is all a very long-winded way of saying…I didn’t like Only Murderers in the Building because I thought it was lameo. I will admit I only got halfway through the series and that I watched it while playing animal crossing on the switch (side note: why am I obsessed with games that are essentially just giving me more chores?) But it just all felt so contrived to me. Sure it’s cute in a cartoony kind of way, but it was never achieving those Ted Lasso feel-good high notes. It just felt like a show cashing in on nostalgia culture and people that have a soft spot for Steve Martin and Martin Short (double Martin’s, in 2022?!). Plus the addition of Selena Gomez just made it feel all so…..Disney. If I wanted to watch something made for babies, I would watch Encanto, which is coincidentally an absolute banger of a film.
Rating: 5/20 I am the only one placing limits on how I can enjoy things…like a cool person.
The Food
A month or so ago, I spent 20 minutes making a list in my iPhone notes of easy dinners that are quick to make and have at home. This simple action, my friends, has changed my life.
There used to be a time, not so long ago, when cooking a meal at home was a little treat reserved for special occasions between eating out at one of Melbourne’s most renowned restaurants/getting a takeaway because I was too tired from all that eating out. Now, as I am lacking in both bougie friends and bougie money, I must employ the few brain cells I have left to think of a meal to prepare damn near every single night of the week! Somehow it is not the cooking that uses up all my energy, but rather having to make a decision about what to cook.
So I have my list, and I now run through it at a quick pace once a day until something prompts my boyfriend or me to say “yummy” and then that is what I cook. This list is 80 - 85% different varieties of pasta but 100% the best decision of my life.
Also, I am in Sydney in a few weeks and will be doing some showcase shows at the Comedy Store and Enmore Theatre (fingers crossed), and if you have any great food recommendations while I am there then I absolutely want to hear them.
Rating: 20/20 life, like my comedy career, relies on latching on to a rare good idea
The Social Stuff
I tried to watch Yellow Jackets so I could “join in the conversation” but it was too gory for me, even when watching it on the tiny window that Paramount + allows you without going full screen. So instead I must talk about a phenomenon that has already passed - the rise and fall of West Elm Caleb.
The whole thing is old news already, but a week ago there was a tik tok user who posted about an awkward date with a tall man named Caleb and received a slew of comments from girls in New York saying “oh my god, is this West Elm Caleb? He watch out he promised me everything than ghosted me”. What followed was a mass calling out of some guy called Caleb who is a furniture designer at West Elm and his shady dating practices/potential large scale promotional piece for a struggling mid-century rip off furniture brand. Even more amusingly, the original video was about a totally different Caleb in New York City - who now looks really good in comparison.
What followed once the situation went viral was a slew of people shared their experiences of dating Caleb (who reused the same playlist as if it was new each time - v. gross and sent a lot of unsolicited nudes) and then a slew of people telling the girls off for ruining some ‘poor young man’s life’ and they should never have ‘gone along with online dating in the first place’. Against my better judgement I have linked some comedians piece on this here, but please know I am only happy for you to read it and give them views if you are hate reading it.
The whole issue touched on something that I am very sensitive about. People from dating apps that are so into you, just long enough for you to decide you might be into them and then they ghost and it was all meant to be no big deal. I hate this because at its core it holds onto the DATED assumption that women don’t desire sex but if they do choose to have it then ‘no one owes you anything after only talking to you for a few weeks. Which sure, no one is expecting you to sit down for a proper breakup chat, but on average it takes 3 months to fall in love, so after wasting a third of that window, a quick text to say ‘I’m not into this anymore’ doesn’t seem like too much to ask. Even if you just texted 1 in 3 women Caleb, you might not have reached this crucial tipping point.
Finally, the worst takes I saw were ‘Everyone does this, so it is not that big a deal and you shouldn’t talk about it’. Which is an insane reaction to women talking about it as if…maybe it is a big deal for them? Did Caleb deserve a full-scale public shaming? No. But maybe if half the internet didn’t leap to his defence over this perceived ‘small wrongdoing’ it wouldn’t have escalated to claims (none substantiated) of very real wrongdoing. Trying to find justice on the internet is a bad idea, but accepting a little bit of gossip shouldn’t be so hard.
Rating: 2/20 may your mistakes never go viral, and if they do may they be short-lived.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
Can’t help but be invested in a phone hacker called Susan Thunder.
Still on my New Girl kick and back to loving this remix in the type of way I reserve for compilation videos of will they/won’t they couples in TV sitcoms when I am on my period.
I would go on ‘I’m a Celebrity get me out of here’, a show I absolutely don’t have the stomach (or fame) for, to get this two story closet.
Missing travel? Here is how they say ‘I don’t give a fuck’ across the world
You can’t just ‘hustle harder’.
Yes you do want to read a Mitski profile, they are the perfect hybrid between music written by humans and music written by AI.
Rating: 18/20 some real treats in there.
Final Rating (55/100)
Okay, we are on a not worth it streak! Which is totally fine! If anything it is inspiring! Look at me go! Look at us all go, continuing to put in the effort into things despite all evidence pointing to it not being worth our time. If you were inspired by this newsletter and any of the rants/complaints contained within it, I would love it if you could share it with a friend.
In other news, promo season is coming up! If you are looking for a show to see this Comedy Festival, I recommend buying a ticket to Comedy Zone. I’m hosting every night and it will be, an absolute cracker of a good time. Will provide links to other shows I recommend closer to the date.
As mentioned, I will also be at the Comedy Store on the 17 - 19 of Feb if you wanted to buy tickets and see if I can hack it with a Sydney crowd.