Welcome to my newsletter where I desperately try to mine my regular and boring life for content and loosely held opinions! This is also a note for all the parents and friends that read this newsletter that it contains ADULT content. Proceed at your own risk but please never talk to me about it.
What’s the newsletter you ask? Well, it’s I shaved my legs for…THIS?! the newsletter exploring the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and hopefully worth you reading about.
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The Shave
Look, I didn’t shave until we were right on the brink of needing to publish this and it did feel good to see something resembling pale, undercooked sausages emerging from the dark overgrowth. Unfortunately, these sausages were very dry and were immediately covered up as the cold Melbourne winter continues on and on. Regardless of whether it was in any way worth doing (no), the shave itself was probably on the higher end of average.
Rating: 12/20 no nicks, no cuts, no butts (I rarely if ever shave my butt?)
The Content
Ever since the Bon Appetit test kitchen imploded, I’ve been lost and confused in the world of youtube videos. Sure I’ll watch some Strictly Dumplings, dabble in some Simon and Martina before they too imploded and I’ve loved the insanity of Harpers Bazaar Food Diaries - but a good youtube series is hard to come across. Luckily friend and comedian Ivan Aristeguieta lead me to Paolo from Tokyo.
Anyway, Paolo is super charming and also an absolute menace in a way that I thoroughly enjoy. His food videos are great, but he truly shines in the ‘Day in the Life’ stories, where he basically gets to pester people (in a cute way) in their own home and workplace. My favourite one so far has been inside a Japanese Train Bento Factory. I just can’t help myself, I love a factory.
Sure these videos make me wish I could actually travel to Japan again, but they also mostly make me guilty that I teased/bullied an old housemate by calling them a weeb for how they dressed in high school when I truly was the weeb in the house. I guess it’s true what they say - bullying is all about putting your own insecurities onto others…and asserting your total dominance in a houseshare situation.
Rating: 20/20 because I was able to go to KT Mart and get a small hit of those conbini snack vibes.
The Food
You will not believe the treat we had today! Korean fried chicken, cooked by a robot called Sam Sam. They had even done a lot of the leg work in anthropomorphizing the robot for you by wacking a smiley face sticker on it.
This is great because the human brain naturally wants to anthropomorphize objects and animals so that it can empathize with them. And I could see it working, Sam Sam was working hard but he seemed to be treated well by the bosses. They recognized his importance. They checked in with him. They provided him with the tools he needed to do his job as well as he possibly could.
I think I might be jealous of how a robot get treated in the workplace? But to be fair, when there is a robot uprising our only hope will be that this sort of treatment is remembered. Plus the chicken he made was truly delicious - big recommend to the lemon mayonnaise with onion flavouring which looked disgusting but was nothing less than transcendent.
Rating: 20/20 If this is peak capitalism, then I say - bring it on? Maybe a tireless robot working class will make everything alright again.
The Social Stuff
Who needs to socialize when you can wommanize…r? I finally caved in the Passionfruit Sensuality Store sale and bought one of those vibes that sucks right on your clit like it’s holding on for dear life. What a REVELATION.
I’d been eyeing those little suckers off for a while, but I was hesitant because I thought it might interrupt the sacred and powerful ritual for self-love I had already established (pants half down, still scrolling twitter, done in less than 3 minutes). And also, I fear change.
Luckily for me, I fear change less than I’m intrigued by a good saving and 25% off was enough to lure me in. Thank goodness! Because this guy has AMPED UP the self-love ritual, while still meeting the done in 3 minutes or less guarantee. Best of all, you don’t even risk forearm cramps messing with your style, you just pop it on and stay as still as possible while the toy does literally all of the work and then the big finish comes all at the end as a kind of fun surprise!
The moral of the story is - the more money you spend, the better the orgasm…so why not avoid all your responsibilities and get on the womanizer train today?
Rating: 500/20 please please, do yourself a favour and buy one of these.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
You’re not a cool kid if you’re not eating tinned fish.
Eating guilt-free with Nigella.
I’m sure you are aware, but I am obsessed with all articles about office politics and productivity.
A good website for anyone like me wanting to always have cake in the house.
Photos of truly upsetting spaces.
I plan to read this history of a legendary Sanfrancisco Dyke gang.
This article on the best water shoes, an item that seems completely unnecessary, was still somehow interesting?
I always have and always will love a playful miniature scene.
Loved loved loved Lousical the Musical.
Rating: 10/20 Less links than I would like, but it seems only fair when the content section was jam-packed.
Final Rating (562/100)
Absolutely worth it, five times over. Nothing else really to be said on the matter.
Thank you for reading my newsletter! If you enjoyed it, I would love it if you could rave about it. Go on, tell all your friends! I’m sure they would like it too. Admittedly some editions are better than others, but I am not a robot and so the quality will naturally fluctuate.
If you live in Melbourne, I’d love to see you at a Deathbed Comedy show (first and third Wednesday of the month) and if you aren’t Melbourne based - why not listen to my podcast Ben and Prue are better than you.
As always, stay cool my prudes xx