Hi, it’s me again! Can you believe another moon has passed since we last corresponded? Is that what fortnights are based on? Moon cycles? This weeks newsletter is not titled after the recent Melbourne Earthquake - but instead this seminal ad. Marketing is not what it used to be.
Anyway, welcome to I shaved my legs for…THIS?! the newsletter exploring the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and hopefully worth you reading about.
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The Shave
I did the classic Melbourne move of shaving at the end of a warm day, not anticipating that it would immediately go back to shit, cold weather for the remainder of the week. This rendered the shave largely pointless, especially because I had already strutted my stuff around the neighbourhood in a new romper with my gloriously bushy leg hair.
Rating: 10/20 Say you will, say you won't, say you'll do what I don't. Say you're true, say to me…C'est la vie
The Content
I’ve continued to dabble in a bit of gaming, my boyfriend and I both heading off after dinner to enjoy our own separate virtual worlds. I of course am playing the Sims and working hard on the ‘Not so berry legacy challenge’ because even in my downtime I am uncomfortable unless actively achieving some goals.
But it didn’t occur to me quite how different our gaming experiences were until I thought I would go see what goals he was achieving in his gameplay. Turns out he was largely content building his own private island with no real goals (or point) despite being a civilization type ‘take over the world’ game.
Worse still, I asked him to show me his family, and couldn’t help but comment on how young his wife looked. It turns out she was 15. He assured me that the feudalist system they were operating within required such marriages were required to form an alliance with a strong neighbour so he could live out his days in peace. But I couldn’t help think that a better man would find a bride his own age and be damned with the consequences.
Rating: 12/20 We know the real child bride would be me, getting married at only 28
The Food
I went to the grocery store the other day with the intent to ‘just be inspired’ for what I was going to cook for dinner while I was there. Turns out the local IGA is not particularly inspiring and I lack the encyclopedic knowledge of recipe ingredients seemingly shared by all masterchef contestants.
So my inspiration trip ended with me and another man both standing in front of the gourmet (already kind of wet) pasta section and constantly switching places as we tried to identify the most satisfying pasta and sauce combo. Eventually my rival said ‘gnocchi’ to himself, grabbed some gnocchi and was on his way.
Which was an inspired decision, because now I was able to also choose gnocchi and then blame him and his poor choices when it ended up being a sad dinner resembling mashed potatoes with butter and bacon. There is a reason Melbourne restaurant Good Gnocchi is so popular… because it is a catchy name with a decent social media presence. But also because gnocchi is very hard to cook without creating a mushy mess that somehow becomes an unsatisfying way to enjoy the world's greatest creation - potato.
Rating: 0/20 Good Gnocchi? More like Not Goodie.
The Social Stuff
It has been getting harder and harder to defend my deep love of Melbourne. Last year my parents would offer to split the cost of quarantine with me if I wanted to come home and I would maintain that I would rather be locked down in Melbourne than free in Brisbane. This is a stance I regret, as I am now constantly riddled with death anxiety not helped by the pandemic/protests/earthquakes and rickety elevator in my building.
When I first moved to Melbourne, around this time 5 or 6 years ago, I would constantly walk around admiring the architecture and how attractive the inner city was. The buildings were so cute, the pub culture a dream and the spring sunshine made everything seem magical (at this stage I didn’t know the flocking to the park was a kind of post-winter mania). This notion wasn’t ruined for me until I travelled to Copenhagen and realised that Melbourne is actually a grimy piece of shit in comparison.
As lockdowns have dragged on, the people of Melbourne have seemed to lose their collective zest for life. I have lost many of my regular transaction-based interactions, the only place where my personality truly shines and I am regularly getting honked at for crossing the street outside my house too slowly. But the earthquake seems to have shaken some of that loose and the other day my neighbours who have annoyingly shown no interest in me even said hello. Plus there was the previously discussed gnocchi interaction. Hopefully, this is a sign that more positive times are coming, and death isn’t as just around the corner as it sometimes feels.
Rating: 12/20 just want to be the cute ol’ granny where I have finally aged into my personality.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
Relatable problems.
Sometimes good advice is annoying advice - like ‘the key to writing is to write’.
Why all your books look the same - the lifecycle of book cover trends
Some talented people to follow.
Truly cursed information, but I would want to carry around one of these bottles…
As I too have been shopping for a table and trying to make my space nice, I loved this article on table season.
Landed on this website for a project I was working on and I was pleasantly surprised.
For anyone else plagued by ‘grow your avocado seed’ content.
The Great Pottery Throw Down is my new favourite show. The host cries over a great use of clay the way I hope someone will cry when I master a pullback and reveal joke.
I would like any or all of these gifts. Must be my libra moon talking.
A NSFW AMA from a porn producer.
Rating: 15/20 some uncut gems in this lot.
Final Rating (49/100)
Whoaaaaaaa! Less than average goodness this time! Not unexpected given the current situation but at least it allows plenty of room for improvement, eh? Luckily I have been keeping busy by doing morning pages with some mates every morning (competitive friendship is the key), writing this newsletter, working on my very first solo show, an advice app (!!) and prepping new jokes for increasingly good online gigs.
I do have a few gigs coming up that you should check out, namely Online Comedy Conection from fave Comedy Republic (7 Oct) and new jokes at Pfirst Dose with Daniel Connell (19 Oct). Unbelievable that having that large a gap between gigs feels like taking care of business now, where previously it would have been cause for a full on break down.
As always I would love to see you at a gig and hope you all stay golden my prudes xx
Hi! I saw you perform for the first time at Kirsty Webeck’s Zoom Comedy and thought you were awesome. It’s been brilliant to go back and find all the podcasts you’ve done. Now that I’ve found these newsletters, that’s a few more Melbourne lockdown hours taken care of.
I actually shaved my legs today as well - I think I removed about ten months of growth. 🤮Fingers crossed for a decent week ahead eh! 🤞🏼
THANK YOU for brightening up my days!
Cheers,
Stacey