Welcome! This is a long-ass lockdown newsletter that I wrote while procrastinating doing more useful work and/or downloading new games and becoming a cool ‘eGirl’. Thank god, because I did download Stardew Valley shortly before finishing this and that’s been eating up all of my time. Ah, sweet, virtual escape.
Welcome to I shaved my legs for…THIS?! The newsletter exploring the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and hopefully worth you reading about.
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The Shave
Look, its cold out now. I’m really not putting that much effort into shaving anything. This newsletter has become the only reason I shave at all. A kind of awkward chicken and the egg situation.
Anyway, I had a very average shave in preparation for my uni graduation (which was then so cold I had to wear tights) which we will talk more about later.
Rating: 10/20 absolutely average shave, in the whole, wide world (sing to the tune of Absolutely Everybody by Vanessa Amarossi )
The Content
A little bit of a rant about the books of personal essays that are targeted at women and seem to think that the only things we care about are our eating disorders, pilates, the impacts of Instagram and our collective anxiety for buying into/trying or opting out of any of the above (e.g. Not that kind of girl, Trick Mirror, How do I know if I am doing it right?, In My Defence, I Have No Defence). Its not that any of these books are bad, only that they are so repetitive they make me want to scream ‘there must be more to the female psyche than THIS!!’. Though I do remember thinking I could achieve so much if I just stopped pining after boys that didn’t like me all the time, which was only partly true (now I just pine after other stuff, like the clothes and house I can never afford). I don’t know if it’s just my jealousy talking, but it seems hard to accept these women as the underdog/outsider they portray themselves as when they are also successful enough to have written a book in the first place. Though I am sure the modern publishing industry leaves much to be desired in terms of financial success.
That’s enough ranting because there is something much, much more important on my mind - I think Jennifer Lopez is doing a High Fidelity-esque tour of her exes.
If you follow celebrity gossip or subscribe to the newsletter Gossip Time (which I recommend you do), you will know that there has been a big hubub over J.Lo (famously underrated character actress) being seen again with long-term ex Ben Affleck. And sure that is exciting since Ben and Jen famously spend a heady 18 months together after meeting on the set of the terrible movie Gigli. But I think the better argument for it is that Jen, coming out of a recent broken engagement herself, is doing a tour of her top 5 heartbreaks of all time to find out what went wrong and how she can ultimately find happiness. Just like John Cusack and Zoe Kravitz have done before her.
J.Lo has not only been seen with Ben but also ex-husband Marc Anthony having a ‘where did it all go so wrong’ lunch. Though she hasn’t been seen with Diddy, he did post this throwback pic to his insta, maybe after some joint reminiscing? Who is next on the tour? My bed is on Chris Judd, but we should all keep a keen eye on what Drake is doing too (for obvious reasons, as well as following this story).
Rating: 5/20 Because this is the kind of thing I think about now my brain is not preoccupied with getting boys to like me.
The Food
Limited recollection of what I’ve had to eat this week. Went to a steakhouse after the graduation that I knew was in the area after performing there the week before. Immediately get recognized and then realized I seem like a fame-hungry monster. Bringing people to places where I know I am most likely to get told how funny I am, so I can act all faux humble. Basically trying to get some sort of validation to replace the missing gigs over this long hard lockdown period.
I also made these cheesy potato pancakes from tik tok. Which were truly… a disappointment. Sometimes you combine two incredible things like cheese and potato - it creates something more than the sum of its parts. And other times you add in cornflour and sugar to that combo and fry them in a shallow pool of oil and it creates something too sweet and odd and only half as satisfying as some chips from the kebab shop down the road with a little bit of cheese melted on top.
I did get gifted some incredible Koko black chocolates. These were all very delicious and I am loathe to admit the hours I spent studying the brief descriptive card and choosing the exact chocolate that matched my mood on a given day. This meant I ended up with the perfect choice between a mojito switl or a espresso martini at 10am on a Thursday morning. The beginning of the end of my working week.
Rating: 12/20 food without the validation of performance will always suffer
The Social Stuff
BIG social stuff times - because I had my GRADUATION on the eve of yet another lockdown. This had its pros and cons.
Pro - There was basically no one there and thus the ceremony was mercifully short. Like in and out of there in an hour and 15. Quicker than a trip to get your driver’s licence reviewed and with only slightly more fanfare. Another pro was that the outfit looked incredibly good on me? Who knew I was meant to be wearing a cape and bonnet. Luckily I’ve had my fill of niche community groups and their intense internal politics, otherwise, I would be rushing to join a LARP group before I knew it.
Cons - My family couldn’t come (okay, only mum was bothering in the first place). This meant that I didn’t get any cool woops when I walked across the stage as a signal to the cool undergrads that I am the coolest post-grad and they should look up to me. Though unlikely my mum would woop anyway. Instead, I had to assert my dominance through an intense gaze and my psychic powers instead.
Rating: 10/20 there is nothing like a ritual to instil self-importance to feed the soul (and ego).
The Miscellaneous Stuff
More house porn, because lusting after a life I will never afford is my sadomasochism.
The Gen Z boys that hate women.
Really leaning into the (largely bullshit) Gen Z article here’s, but I love the idea of them all being such big nerds.
Yes yes, to Naomi Osaka saying no!
Can absolutely never decide whether juggling is impressive, or just a hyper stylised game of catch with yourself.
The link where I admit that despite not wanting children I love the parenting magazine Lunch Lady and if I go any more mad in lockdown will do these crafts.
Is the ease of the new digital layby any good for us? Who knows, but I did buy all my cushions off instagram using afterpay.
Omg! Hot tik tok bee keeper lady is potentially a FRAUD? Living for this gossip in lockdown.
This tweet that hearlds the end of days.
What happens if you actually listen to internet relationship advice?
Just further evidence that travel is fine when you are poor, but killer when you are rich enough to stay in a hotel like these.
Rating: 15/20 mixed bag of links and points off because I am ashamed for buying into the articles about why ‘Gen Z’ are different.
Final Rating (52/100)
I just realized my last newsletter was so low scoring because I missed a whole category out! So sorry, last newsletter. I hope you feel some relief in knowing that even playing with the full deck this newsletter didn’t fare much better.
There is something about being in yet another lockdown that would make me feel like a big ol’ liar if I rated any day truly worth it. I know this is silly because this newsletter was born from lockdown, but I’ve had a taste of freedom now and my god - isn’t it just so much better.
Hopefully, the next newsletter will be coming to you with a tonne of freedom vibes. If your missing seeing me live (I mean of course you are), then you can also listen to my podcast Ben and Prue are better than you or my recent appearance on Don’t you know who I am? Which I am glad I looked up before telling you I was on ‘Who do you think you are?’, which is if anything, more fitting.
See you all soon, stay prudish xx