I missed two editions of this newsletter, so I must beg for your forgiveness. Worse yet, I will only be back for two editions and then it is Melbourne International Comedy Festival time and I will be absent again for another month.
But let’s not dwell on the mistakes of my past/future and let’s get into it, shall we?
You are reading the latest edition of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! The newsletter explores my theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave.
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The Shave
I have been very tired. Started shaving from a standing position and just holding the razor steady while letting my leg slowly slip down the wet tiles. This saves a lot of energy until disaster strikes. It’s like using a mandolin to cut your vegetables in the kitchen - all fun and games until that one time you forget to wear your protective no-cut glove (because you are trying to be sexy and fun in the kitchen like Meryl Streep in its complicated) and you take off all your fingerprints.
Rating: 13/20 save energy in the now but know you’ll pay for it in the later.
The Content
Maybe it is just because I have been able to neglect this newsletter for a month without the added pressure of losing income but I couldn’t help but agree with this thread that has been viciously attacked on Twitter.
His main point was that he finds it hard to ask people for money. Which, for sure, absolutely (but you should buy tickets to my Comedy Festival show in Melbourne). But beyond that, the thing I find hard to reconcile with the substack and patreon model of paid content is the support of a particular curator at the exclusion of most others. There are only so many $5 (which is always $10 if you are Australian) a month that I can afford. How am I meant to dole out my ever-dwindling funds?
Because from my experience, even my most loved writers or podcasters or whoever it may be. They are going to do heaps of stuff that is very boring to me! It might even be bad! How do you handle the pressure of things not coming together when you see the immediate impact through lost subscribers and deactivated subscriptions? How many months worth of chances do I offer if they have suddenly gone into a new interest area that no longer thrills me? Are you expected to do the month-to-month subscribe and cancel like I now do with the 5+ streaming platforms I have on rotation - only one or two offering content I am interested in at any one time?
Derek continues the thread by pining for the days when people used the internet to upload the nichest of niche content all for free. Perhaps that was a better time and I can’t help but feel that all we need is for wages to rise to a livable level again (you know, covering the 20+ years of stagnant growth) so that things can be made without the ever-present weight of human survival hanging over them. Now I wade through the internet as if I am stuck within the “you wouldn’t steal a movie” ad.
Rating: 13/20 Are these thoughts valid? Or just a justification for my lack of hustle?
The Food
This Washington Post article came out recently about the Biden’s ordering the same dish at a restaurant, which is apparently a huge no no. But who has the energy to care?
As ‘date nights’ have recently crept back into my life (based on soaring delivery prices and an increased inability to just stay home), I can’t think of anything I would care about less than my partner wanting the same dish as I do. If you want to try a lot of dishes they need to all be split tapas style. Don’t come crying to me if I want to order the best thing on the menu and for some reason available to you and you only that means you must suffer with whatever rejected specials board items are left. I don’t think there is a single worse energy that exists to base a sulk on. Food envy is bottom-tier jealousy.
Maybe I am just feeling judgemental because I have the prime position in the relationship of ordering whatever I want for both of us and not letting choice even be raised as a factor. But I guess we all accept the love we feel we deserve.
Rating: 10/20 too many words for me claiming not to care either way?
The Social Stuff
I’ve gone on a few walks lately. I have to say the best thing to come out of the last few years is that two laps around a park, once a month is enough time for friendship.
My issue is that at the end of last year, all my shoes wore out, and I replaced them with the exact same shoe in the exact same size and suddenly they are too small for my feet. It’s like just my right foot has grown half an inch. I have absolutely come to terms with going up sizes in clothing, but to suddenly start wearing a size 10 shoe? I don’t know if I can cross that mental barrier.
I would say I am closer to donning a foot glove and extolling the virtues of barefoot running than I am to admitting I need a size 10 shoe. It just doesn’t make sense that your feet could let you down like this. I once walked into a tarot card reading only for the reader to immediately tell me I need orthotics. I was never clear on whether she had some sort of side hustle in podiatry, but I’m starting to think I should have listened.
Rating: 3/20 whatever you do, do not let yourself get onto barefoot tik tok
The Miscellaneous Stuff
Okay obsessed with this Facebook group - Dull Men’s Club
It’s coming up to chilled red season and who doesn’t want a Honky Chateau
Haven’t read but will read this oral history of Party Down
Obsessed with Ozempic, liked this take on it, and would probably try it.
Shocker that ‘deinfluencing’ is just influencing.
An ideal hotel room for re-reading The Secret History.
A weird The Office deep fake for all the Pam fans.
I want to be looked after as well as Frod.
Watching this video whenever I feel like I am too intense.
Rating: 15/20 a good mix, your procrastination awaits.
Final Rating (54/100)
Okay not an ideal rating, but I think that is more reflective of my guilt for neglecting you all than anything else. Life has been a bit more stressful but I am hopeful that it is all building towards some good things in a work hard and get results kind of way. I guess only time will tell. Would definitely work better if I saved more money to invest in myself and less to fritter away under the pretence of little treats I deserve for working hard.
I really appreciate you reading this newsletter and hope you had a good time. If you did, and you have a mate that might also be into it, I would love it if you share it with them! I promise I have no immediate plans to start charging you $5 a month for it and you won’t come off like you’ve just joined a secret cult.
Cheeky reminder if you made it this far - Unfriended is on sale for Melbourne! Bring your friends you want to break up with or the new friends you left them for. You can also buy the best of the newsletter here!