Happy Sunday Prudes! Can’t believe we have burnt through two weeks yet again, each night I go to sleep cursing myself for yet another day not lived to its full potential. Luckily for me, it’s the guilt that drives me.
But you, you are reading I shaved my legs for…THIS?! the newsletter explores the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and hopefully worth you reading about.
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The Shave
Sunday shave to set me up for the week. Nothing like fitting in that shave with the weekly grocery shop and picking all my clothes up off the big pile on the floor to feel like you are really doing something good for yourself.
Rating: 15/20 points for getting things started, now to see if it all paid off.
The Content
I am proud to admit - I’ve been living this Taylor Swift Red re-release moment. I’m not a die-hard swiftie, and I do think all the ‘clues’ she leaves are reminiscent of this seminal ‘I Spy’ picture puzzles book but who am I to deny a pop powerhouse when I see one.
The real gift of the Red re-release has been the reintroduction of the Jack Gyllenhal saga into the mainstream. As a Scorpio, I can’t deny that it would be a huge thrill for me to not only be petty once with a breakup album…but to get even more famous and RELEASE IT AGAIN.
What I am saying is, I get it, Taylor. And I especially got it when I recently went out with my ex-boyfriend and he bumped into a friend who followed me on Instagram, had seen me at Comedy Republic (love that place - many links to shows there at the end) and thought I was the coolest and funniest person ever. Feels real good that does.
Rating: 18/20 revenge is a dish best served with a knowing smirk and multi-million dollar empire, unfortunately I only have one of those.
The Food
I took my younger lover out for a belated birthday dinner at the incredibly fancy IDES, in a move that I later while listening to Taylor Swift, feared to be grooming.
Thankfully he is not quite as young as I have made out previously in my stand up, which may be shocking to some but I need you to know all stand up is full of lies - otherwise, it’s just bad stories like the ones your friends tell.
Anyway the dinner - which was the cheaper Sunday experimental menu because I simply cannot afford the whole hog (assuming a suckling pig is a must for any 9-course degustation). The problem with any fancy restaurant is that they hit it out of the park so hard with starters, they leave absolutely nowhere for themselves to go.
First, we had a blue cheese and cauliflower tart that was hidden on the table in a stroke of absolute brilliance, followed by the twin flavour bombs of a mustard-y beef tartare and tiny herbed pikelets with smoked trout and roe. Now that’s my kind of surf and turf, babyyyy. Then in a move that I still haven’t decided whether it was genius or disappointing, our main course was essentially steak and chips. I know Rene Redzepi has said he feels everyone that goes to Noma secretly wants a steak and chips once they are six courses of fermented danish food deep and maybe I am with it. Each starter is special because it is small and limited, and having more bites of anything is always going to make it feel less special. There is probably a lesson to be learnt there but I don’t know what it is right now. I also said it was my birthday (which was many weeks ago in lockdown) to get a free lil second desert and I think all restaurants should know I celebrate my birthday every quarter from here on out.
Rating: 20/20 Nothing feels better than spending heaps of money and then getting tiny things for ‘free’.
The Social Stuff
I’ve had my period for the entire time Melbourne has been open and back in action. I’ve had it for so long, that I got confused and did a pregnancy test…because ‘weird thing with period+prego’ was the only thing clicking in my brain. It was the quickest (and darkest) negative line I have ever seen. Like the pregnancy test was physically rejecting my attempts at bonding.
Basically, I’ve been too preoccupied with thinking about whoever said that blood is thicker than water and how they were absolutely talking about period clots at the time and not some meaningful sentiment towards the importance of family. Sorry if that’s gross, but maybe I do feel a little bitter after we’ve spent a full year promoting the vaccine by disparaging my beloved birth control pill and its own clot risks.
What I am trying to say, is that I have spent much of the last fortnight in an angry, hormonal haze - which I would say, like my company, is best enjoyed in small doses. Fortunately (I guess), I have not had as many gigs on as I would like, so I have largely been taking it out on the passport control checkpoint I operate in the game ‘Papers Please’.
Rating: 2/20 just want to live through one week where I don’t fear my imminent demise
The Miscellaneous Stuff
Obsessed with Colin Robinson and what I can only assume is the inspiration for Colin Robinson - K-Strass the Yo-Yo guy (thanks Darcy Fleming for the link)
This incredible article about how you don’t need to sell how well you are holding it all together from my writing crush Anne Helen Petersen.
Portraits of ladies without eyes from the very artist that did portraits of a lady on fire.
Love this thread about ‘the one thing you got rid of that changed your life’ especially because it was started by some guy that wanted to brag about giving up porn
This article about how to cope with the feeling you always need to be ‘on’ is something I should read but won’t
Tik tokkers are giving away all their toxic traits for free instead of monetizing them with stand up.
What it feels like I am using while my internet keeps dropping out.
Ever since I learnt advent calendars could be more than just chocolate, I’ve had my eye on the fanciest possible versions - like Jo Malone or some whisky.
How to like what you write - advice I need because sometimes even thinking about editing one of these newsletters is painful (so I don’t do it)
Rating: 12/20 real ‘i’m only reading this because I’m avoiding doing actual work’ stuff here
Final Rating (72/100)
Ooooo, didn’t quite make the cut this time, unfortunately. Could I go back and bump the numbers up a little so we slid through? Absolutely, but I won’t because I value the trust we have built here and the carefully observed use of science in this experiment. Surely a not quite good enough day would be plenty good enough for someone with lower expectations anyway. I have always thought my high expectations for my life are something I need to address to avoid terminal disappointment.
Anyway, that’s a problem for when I decided I have the ability to not just repress everything and actually do some therapy. But for now, we have comedy. In no particular order (except temporal), we have comedy shows at:
Catfish Comedy - 23 November
Deathbed Comedy - 24 November
Rhys Nicholson and Friends @ Comedy Republic - 26 November
Comedy Spring Break @ Comedy Republic - 27 November (5pm show with the incred Sami Shah, Tom Ballard and Luka Muller.
Comedy at the Espy - 28 November
Local Laughs @ St Kilda Tap House - 29 November
Comedy-ish @ Comedy Republic - 30 November
And so many more! Just keep an eye out and I am sure you will find them, there are so many rooms always worth checking out that aren’t mentioned this time - Spleen, Coopers Inn, Basement, Club Voltaire, Dirty Secrets…something for everyone!
Hopefully, I will see you at a gig soon, and if not keep your prudie rudie and tell a friend to sign up for the newsletter or leave a comment. Otherwise, I will see you in just two short weeks x