Good morning sweet Prudes!
Welcome to the new year! I once had a friend, and even though we don’t hang out anymore (come see my show Unfriended to hear more about that), they would give every year one word to encapsulate what it would be for them. Their word choices never resonated with me, I think one might have been ‘Bang’, but the habit has stuck. So this year I think my word is going to be ‘Spawn’. Not in a ‘creating my own satan spawn sense’, but more in a ‘creating work and putting it out there’ sense…
You are reading the latest edition of I shaved my legs for…THIS?! The newsletter explores my theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave.
If you aren’t subscribed, I built this little button down there with my bare hands to help you do so. It’ll be better for you, I promise! (Also fixed a typo here that’s probably been lingering for months, thanks for nothing Grammarly!)
The Shave
It’s a new year and a new razor to match! Truthfully it has felt redundant to bother shaving this week, where it has either been unpleasantly hot or cold and overcast. But that didn’t stop me from having a nice clean shave with all the trimmings.
Rating: 16/20 redundant but not unappreciated.
The Content
I have been consuming content like a black hole gobbling up old galaxies at the moment. Not even just Below Deck and The Traitors, I’ve even stooped to reading actual books albeit small ones, like Earthlings.
But the most important read of all this time of year is getting a handle on what your year will be with your 2023 horoscope. This year, I have to admit that not paying $50 for a Channi Nicholas workbook that I never properly read does feel like some growth. Maybe a little more secure with where I am in my life, and less likely to have to deal with questions from parents who want you to have a back up plan post comedy (which I don’t and never will have).
Once the horoscope has been read, you can sit back and relax for the year. No more worries about what are you going to do with your life, it’s all out of your hands. This year is going to be all about working hard and neglecting my relationships! It is out of my hands. Apologies to all of my loved ones.
Rating: 20/20 nothing better than not being responsible for your own life choices.
The Food
This year my partner and I shirked our familial responsibilities and did Christmas just the two of us. At this point in the world’s longest year any travel would have just meant you got my most feral and cranky self, so even though our families were disappointed I really did feel that we were doing them a favour.
It was my first year every cooking for Christmas and I went all out with the San Francisco Menu from How to Eat a Peach - I’m talking elderflower gin cocktails, leg of lamb, a minty peas salad, boiled new potatoes, radishes and a Sarassou dip that was basically a fancy riff on sour cream and chive. Of course I couldn’t be bothered doing an entree of spinach and ricotta gnudi and I replaced the ice cream with a classic pav that we were able to eat from the one plate, but all in all I am taking it as a winning menu.
But even though I tried to do a lot the day before, spending the day cooking at Christmas really does lower the relaxation vibes. Will the thought of not having to cook again lure me back to family Christmas? Certainly possible, although I hear Japan has a good deal going with a bucket of KFC.
Rating: 16/20 a bit of guilt, but I do finally understand the appeal of a kiss the cook apron.
The Social Stuff
A little while ago someone tried to upskirt me while I was walking through the Melbourne CBD. I saw them hold their phone camera side up in their hand and try and slide it under my skirt as we walked past each other on the street. At the time I wasn’t too worried about this because if you desperately want to see the 3 day old bike shorts I have to wear to stop my thighs from cannibalizing themselves then all power too you.
My thighs act like one of those shredding machines that can crush anything. I think if you strapped anything to my thighs and set me off walking it would all eventually be worn down to nothing. Every pair of pants I own is rendered useless just as they get comfortable by being completely worn through in the thigh and as much as you want to think ‘oh I can just get this patched up’ the problem simply migrates to the other thigh, or spreads itself over an even larger area as the now weakened denim can’t hold on for a second longer.
I keep thinking I can come up with more elegant solutions to the powerful thighs problem but nothing has ever worked as well. Once I even tried hydrocolloid blister block bandages but they turned out to be a whole new level of torture as they near permemantly fused to my skin from the heat generated by the simple act of walking.
Rating: 13/20 because with adversity comes the chance to exploit it for huge monetary gain - I will find the ultimate product and rebrand it, just you wait.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
If you can find a way to watch The BBC version of The Traitors in Australia, I highly recommend it (perhaps Daily Motion, might have it…)
Listen to the Late Night Breakfast Morning Show @7pm for actually what I feel is becoming quite a compelling story of friendship and struggling with losing your relevance.
You can still buy my book which features the best bits of this newsletter in a very pretty cover (+ a great story from Alexandra Hudson).
This article on the legacy of gone girl made me yearn for the next unputdownable thriller that skewers some other form of womanhood.
Rating: 14/20 give some of these a go with your last few days to let your mind completely melt.
Final Rating (79/100)
WE MADE IT Y’ALL. A worth it end to a worth it year. I know 2022 was long and stressful with the background of a lingering pandemic, but it really was a good year for me in the end. It was great to actually be able to get some momentum back with what I am doing with comedy. Unfortunately that momentum does come with constant complaints from me about how tired I am, but we truly can’t have it all. I want to say a big thank you for everyone that reads this, I feel really lucky to be so supported by so many amazing people. I will now have to go numb my brain with some trash TV to make up for that brief moment of earnestness and how uncomfortable it makes me feel.
Wishing you all an excellent New Year - if you choose to give your year a word, please let me know what it is!
Unfriended is on sale for Perth and MELBOURNE! It’s a show about friendship breakups and whether there is a better way to deal with the ups and downs of friendships in our lives.