Happy holidays! I put my tools down on Thursday and I am looking forward to almost a month without non-comedy work to do for the first time in about six years. By the time I’m back at work, I anticipated having managed to find at least one second to relax - I’m halfway there at the moment with my feet up and Bake Off on while I write to you.
You are reading I shaved my legs for…THIS?! the newsletter that explores the theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort should translate to having an above-average day. To test this theory I (semi) critically review every shave and the subsequent day/week/experiences and give it all a rating out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave and hopefully worth you reading about.
If this isn’t coming straight to your inbox, you can subscribe right now! Using this Lil button right here:
The Shave
I got eaten alive by mosquitos after a gig the other night, so shaving has become a precarious adventure. At first, the razor travelling over the bit feels like the sweet relief of scratching without any of the guilt, but then inevitably you end up making your legs bleed. A boy once told me my best feature would be my legs, if only they didn’t have any scars on them, as if he has some unforetold level of self-discipline to not scratch all their mozzie bites constantly.
Rating: 10/20 itchy itchy, scratchy scratchy at least I don’t need to shave my back-y
The Content
This “I REWATCHED ‘A CINDERELLA STORY’ AS AN ADULT & I GOT VERY ANGRY” article made me very angry. Why are we not allowed to love things and know they are bad and just love them anyway? Sometimes it feels like other people’s parents didn’t endlessly quote the Big Chill and say ‘You have to let art flow over you’ whenever you questioned any logical inconsistencies. Yes, Hilary Duff was wearing a tiny mask and it is crazy that Chad Michael Murray didn’t recognize her, but isn’t that all part of his himbo charms?
This was extra evident with all the tweets about how bad the new Sex and the City reboot - “And just like that…” is. To which I would like to say, for once and for all, fuck off and stop pretending you didn’t sob through the end of episode one and all of episode two. I can’t really think of a show that is more made for me. I watched the original as a 16-year-old and thought of it as spoilers for my future…which when you realise the show didn’t really have that much sex in it, is quite an accurate picture of what was to come. I am now happy to do the same now watching these women in their 50s.
In conspiracy corner for a second, I do believe that SJP has personally requested to make Miranda so horrible because she got wind of all of those ‘actually Miranda is the only good one’ articles that were going around.
Also I think they’ve outdone themselves, and might actually win the award for worst impersonation of stand up ever seen on tv??
Rating: 20/20 for letting yourself feel joy, at even the most terrible of things.
The Food
I bought myself a box of celebrations, as my only real nod to the fact that it is the Christmas season. The problem living in a house with my boyfriend who doesn’t eat chocolate is that I now have a box of bounty and snickers that will linger in my house for months until I come up with a plan on how to get rid of them.
Worse still I got home drunk the other day and bypassed the Celebrations sack because I was sure the presents my mum had sent down from Queensland would include the obligatory box of Malteasers and I was ready to tuck into them early and replace them for Christmas Day. Only to find they were not there and mum hadn’t thought they would make it through the current state of the Australian postal service. Christmas is ruined, and I will never recover.
Rating: 8/20 please get in touch if you are interested in the chocolates that I do not want. Especially if you are willing to offer a trade.
The Social Stuff
My social life has been so good, I have decided to tell you nothing about it. In other words, I’ve been drinking and don’t remember anything except vague enjoyment and collapsing into bed to play drunk Animal Crossing. As a gift to myself, this poor hungover girl has decided to tell you no more about it.
Rating: 20/20 for enjoying each and every day of this holiday season while we are allowed to.
The Miscellaneous Stuff
Making these ‘dirty chai earthquake’ cookies because I love the name ‘Susan Spungen’
Sure we are going into summer, but I understand projecting your new life into a sweater completely.
This one goes out to the guy I briefly dated (friends with benefitted) with a bad tin tin tattoo
This might be all I have for you, Merry Christmas from Ted Lasso instead.
Rating: 15/20 a little linky list for my lovely prudes
Final Rating (73/100)
Very close to being worth it, probably more fuelled by my relentless end of year fed-upness than the shave itself. Thanks for sticking with me all year my prudes, I love you all each and every one. If you wanted to share this newsletter with a friend I would be very grateful and would class it as an acceptable Christmas gift (both for me and the friend).
I’ll be back in the new year and let’s hope it’s a good, or at least a slightly improved, year, compared to this one. Now I’m off to drink beer, eat the Malteasers I had to buy myself and play the switch until my eyes blur.