Happy holiday season! And your gift is the same fortnightly newsletter from me, Prue Blake! You lucky thing!
I have a theory that shaving your legs or putting in that bit of extra effort, should translate to having an above-average day. I’m testing this theory by critically reviewing shave day and rating them out of 100. Any day that scores higher than a 75 was definitely worth the shave.
If you would like to subscribe to this fortnightly newsletter use this nice little button I have placed here for your convenience.
The Shave (18/20)
It’s Christmas time baby! And you know what that means…
No, I didn’t know either, so after much deliberation, I decided to go for a shower beer and shave. Felt really great to be sitting on the floor of the shower, drinking a beer and shaving my pins, all while not feeling like ‘this is rock bottom’. A few nicks and cuts because of the booze, but I did discover that it is best to shave your knees while standing. You need to go to your knees rather than have your knees come to you. Thank me later when you have knees as shiny and hairless as a couple of softballs.
The Content (20/20)
As I try and hold it together to reach the end of the year (a meaningless goal), I have been enforced to employ my old tricks to getting things done. Namely the ‘MegaVideo Study method’. Named after the platform I used to use primarily to stream Grey’s Anatomy, that required you to wait 30 minutes after every 72 minutes of fast-paced and sexy medical drama.
The best bit about this method is that it’s counterintuitive. You would think the 30 minutes of time free from TV distraction would be your chance for a productivity surge. No, that 30 minutes is your break time - go get a snack, look at your phone and pat yourself on the back for all the hard work you achieved when you weren’t enjoying the salacious scandals of McSteamy and friends (potential spin-off title for a show that follows all the dead main characters and what they are getting up to? Shonda just call me and I’ll write a script).
The beauty of this method is that you give yourself so much procrastination, you actually start to procrastinate from the procrastination by getting a little bit of work done. I never said I wasn’t an absolute genius.
Best of the year - Movies
For anyone looking for some movies to watch over Christmas can I recommend: Queen & Slim, On the Rocks, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Long Shot and Palm Springs (sneaking my roundups in this year)
The Food (10/20)
Let’s get this out of the way, Christmas time is an absolute shemozzle when it comes to food. I originally felt obligated to rate this section highly due to the immense expense accrued in the eating/drinking lead up to the big holiday, but then I spent half a day making a sandwich for my work Christmas party and felt I must reflect on that.
What happened was, my work Christmas party wanted to go ahead in person but you could not share any food. No worries, I thought, as a treat, I will make myself a chicken salad sandwich. A sandwich that is not quite as good as the one I could just buy at Beatrix except that they, like all good sandwich locations, are closed on a Monday.
I never appreciated the labour that goes into making a delicious sandwich. First I had to get up early to go get a good baguet from Bread Club in North Melbourne (best bakery of the year). Then I went to 2 different supermarkets to cheat and get a BBQ chicken but I was too early for the BBQ chicken. TOO EARLY FOR A BBQ CHOOK?! Have you ever heard of such madness? So then I had to go back to another supermarket and honestly the food miles on this freaking sandwich. Finally secured the BBQ chook and then had to break it apart, make the dressing, separately dress the salad and put it all together. Only to be met with the challenge of how do I wrap a freaking sandwich because I am not using clingwrap and making it all sweaty. I went for a complex baking paper, then tin foil to try and get the paper to stay wrapped and then just chucking it in the paper bag from the baguette and hoping for the best approach.
Was worth it when I was the envy of everyone at the picnic for my wonderful sandwich, each person watching in awe as I devoured the sandwich? Maybe, but I couldn’t help wishing each bite could give me back an hour of my life.
Best of the year - Melbourne Food
Melbourne proved this year that there was no better place to be stuck inside for months on end and the food continued to be insane. Shout outs to my favourite places this year; Lagoon Dining, Poodle Bar and Bistro, Henry Sugar, Old Palm Liquor and Nicos Sandwich Deli.
The Social Stuff (7/20)
I also thought it would be a good idea to dedicate an entire day to get some new headshots. Mostly so people in the biz would be tricked into thinking I am an actual, legitimate, stand up comedian and book me for every show possible in 2021.
What I didn’t realise is that I had signed up for an entire day of sitting awkwardly and making small talk. First at the hairdresser, then in the middle of a mecca maxima store (makeup cost redeemable on purchases but at what emotional cost?!) and finally in the actual location of the photos. You can tell that I was over it when you look at this headshot. One where I look like a scary (but sexy) robot about to annihilate you with my mental games and pre-programmed empathy. If you are looking for your own snaps for a belated holiday card or bid for world domination, I did love working with Rachael Michelle despite hating the whole getting photos taken thing.
I also reconnected with some old mates:
The Miscellaneous Stuff (12/20)
Honestly hard to find links with the state of the world being what it is. But I had a crack anyway:
As someone that lost their mind over Tiny Beautiful Things, not sure how I feel about the new messy advice column.
Did not even know that Man Repeller (or Repeller after its pointless rebrand) is officially dead.
The perfect gift for your friend that is too into architecture - not fit for the work secret Santa unless you are a particularly risque colleague.
Feel good about your own purchases this year after reading this
I had a fun time with this. Furious that it was posted everywhere as ‘fun for kids’.
Ummm is it 2001? Because I am deeply obsessed with Trinny Woodhall and can’t stop watching her style videos. May your 2021 be stylish and bright.
Final Rating (67/100)
Alright, the boozy shave was not worth the effort and the day (alright admittedly two days) was in the only slightly above average zone. A fitting way to end 2020, with plenty of room to improve next year as those headshots make me a hugely famous comedian and everyone that has ever dumped me will finally be sorry.
Thanks for reading my newsletter this year. You are a peach! If you liked it, why not gift it to a mate for the festive season? I would count that as your gift to me also, yay double gifting! See you all on Jan 2nd. Miss you already xx